Did my title grab your attention?
I hope so. It is my hope that you take these lessons to heart, and make your relationships a whole lot more passionate, entertaining, rewarding, and rich.
A word to the wise. These are three massive mistakes that will definitely impact your romantic relationship, however they are not the only ones you can make. More on that in a bit. OK, let’s get to the first mistake.
Mistake 1 – Assumptive Communication
“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.”
Isaac Asimov
“While you judge me by my outward appearance I am silently doing the same to you, even though there's a ninety-percent chance that in both cases our assumptions are wrong.”
Richelle E. Goodrich
What you hear is not necessarily what your partner said, and vice versa – what your partner heard may not be the same as what you said.
John Gray has a prolific collection of books and products that declare men are from Mars and women from Venus. Even with all these books, many, many men and women still don’t understand this one simple fact – men and women speak basically different languages! We use words differently, we mean different things with the same words, and we even have a different vocabulary. It is not just the words we use, but it is the way we say them and the way we express ourselves physically.
We appear so different that an alien anthropologist would really think we were two distinct species.
Then, how do we ever get along and understand each other? Simply ask for clarification, don’t assume that you know what your lover is saying.
Another assumptive communication technique in relationships is your attempt at mind-reading. You may be really intuitive(!), but don’t assume your partner knows what you want!
Be willing to tell your partner what you want. And ask for clarification if you don’t understand what your partner wants or expresses. Intuition is a bonus gift, not a necessity to getting what you want! If you want a massage from your partner, instead of making groaning sounds or rubbing your shoulders to get their attention, grow up and either ask them for a massage, or better yet, give them one, they might just return the favor if you ask!
In my work with men and women, I have learned quite a lot about how we differ and how we can actually translate from one to the other. It is a cornerstone of my coaching work with my clients.
Mistake 2 – Loss of Passion
“Live with passion!”
Tony Robbins
“Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things.”
Denis Diderot
You’ve seen them, the couple who dress alike, look alike, like the same things, and even sound alike. Almost seem like twins or clones. They probably prefer snuggling to lovemaking. Lovers become friends, without the benefits, if they spend all their time together.
Or is that you? You and your partner have nothing fresh to talk about, and the intimacy is waning or missing in action. Sex is flat-lined, there’s no juice and passion or spark between you two.
There are major signs that something’s off. However, like boiling water, where the water temperature slowly rises from cold to hot, the change sneaks up on you, except on the passion scale, the experience goes the other way, from sizzling to frozen. I trust you get the point. It’s easy to be complacent and realize too late that the spice is gone.
Consider magnets for a moment. They have two poles that are opposite and strongly attracted to each other. Just like magnets have North and South poles, people have polarity too. Except instead of North and South poles, we carry masculine and feminine energy, each of which is highly attractive to the opposite.
And like magnetic polarity, the more opposite the masculine and feminine polarity, the stronger the attraction between them.
However, when magnets are left together (with their opposite poles close to each other) in a drawer, their magnetism lessens over time. The magnets become depolarized.
And just like magnets, when a couple spends all their time together, their attractive polarity also fades.
Simple solution: spend time apart and recharge your polarity. Being intimate and close in romantic relationship is wonderful, and that can be increased, as can the health and vitality of the relationship if the partners spend some time apart as well.
Some suggestions: for the masculine men, spend time away with other men at a football game, or other sports, or go hiking with your brothers to refresh your maleness! Ladies, deepen your feminine and spend time with your sisters, go to the spa, and have a girl’s nights. When you come back together the spark will be renewed and then some!
Mistake 3 – Trying to be who you’re not, to please your partner
“How would your life be different if…You approached all relationships with authenticity and honesty? Let today be the day…You dedicate yourself to building relationships on the solid foundation of truth and authenticity.”
Steve Maraboli
“Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free.”
Eckhart Tolle
People love to pretend to be something they’re not. Unfortunately, they often pretend on their first dates, so they can impress their date, thinking they can be themselves later on.
For many people, it seems safer to present a mask or persona to their prospective mate than be authentic and real. You feel you have to portray a character that isn’t really you, so you can attract and catch the man or woman of your dreams. The man might feel he must pretend to play the bad boy to get the cute girl, or the woman feels she must dumb herself down to appeal to the guy she wants.
My response is simply this…Fergeddabowdit!
Many relationships are doomed because the two individuals are afraid of showing their true colors to their partner. The longer this goes on, the less likely any true intimacy can ever happen.
It seems to be the norm to make up a new façade, a mask, to present to the opposite sex when looking for romance. That’s a bad move from the get-go! Once that choice is made, the path is laid, and the deceit has to accumulate with no good end in sight. Intimacy, connection, authenticity, integrity, trust, are all unavailable, and what chance of success will a romantic relationship have without these key ingredients? And to add a little more discomfort to the mix, anything that is built on this false shell is a lie that must be remembered, and like spinning plates, it is a continual task to maintain them.
It is fun to play characters and roles with each other, when you and your partner are intentional with it. That is not the topic of discussion here!
To spend your whole relationship under a mask is highly ineffective and insulting to your partner. How would you like to be lied to continually? How intimate would you feel with that person? How trusting of them would you be? How willing would you be to get to know them?
Get real! Drop the shells and shields and reveal your authenticity to your partner. If your partner can’t accept who you really are, walk away. Get out of the relationship. Yes, really, get out.
Better to start as real as possible, as whomever you meet will see you as you are, no pretense, no false shells and masks, and no lies to remember. You’ll have less stress, less pretense, and you’ll actually have a stronger immune system and better health too. You do know stress and lies are not good for your health?
You may be thinking now you have these three mistakes figured out, you are good to go. Yes, these three are serious mistakes for sure, however there is more to having an amazing relationship. There are at least 47 more principles – I did write a book called 50 Ways To Love Your Lover!
I am a passionate advocate of authenticity and integrity, and I am a caring supporter for my coaching clients who want their own amazing romance. If that appeals to you too, get in touch!
Live, laugh and love with passion!
Barry.